A tired mind wanders, still...

Work was alright, today. What makes me enjoy my day is getting to go home to my wife and daughter. During the week, I almost get desperate for a chance to get away from the Monster. The last couple of weekends, however, I've come to realize that, yeah, I might need a little "Me Time" but I will always miss both of my girls when I'm not with them.

On a side note, I made a comment to my wife that I didn't like people. This was made more in reference to the fact that I don't like the holiday crowds especially considering the attitude that has developed the last few years. The holiday season is supposed to be good and about family and friends, etc. People are so stressed about finding that perfect gift that they get very rude to "competitors" for parking spots, the latest Elmo, the ideal present. Freaks me out. You ever feel like your in a horror movie where your surrounded by people and everyone has been replaced by some weird parody of themselves. Yeah, that's me during the holidays. Anyways, my wife thinks it's funny considering that my job is customer service and I get paid to be good, even when the holidays come at the store I work at.

Which brings me to one last gripe. I've ranted about this for the last several years. More and more companies are starting (or have been) to put out the Christmas toys/ornaments/stuff before Halloween. No one even celebrates Thanksgiving (except for the food and football) because all the stores go from Halloween to Christmas all within the month of October. I believe the reason (but I'm to young to remember, I guess) that the day after Thanksgiving is such a big sale day is because people used to celebrate one holiday at a time (even if it was right after the previous one). It's one thing for a craft store to start early. It takes awhile to make holiday stuff sometimes. But retail stores to start earlier than Thanksgiving, that's just bizarre.

OK. That's it.

P.s. My Mom misses her granddaughter, so she's trying to make a trip down sometime soon. I can finally get some projects done.

It's been a good day...

The Mrs. asks, "How was your day?" to which I usually reply, "OK". For the most part this means that while the day has been challenging, it wasn't anything that I couldn't handle. Maybe a little stress here and there but nothing like when I first started as an "at home dad". That was a tough time.

I don't think I came with the patience for a baby even though my wife supported me. She seems to handle it so well. The only time I can tell she's had a hard day with CM is how fast she hands her over to me after I get home from work or if she looks frazzled.

My instincts come more from being a dog trainer and what I've read in the baby books. Even some of that seems to conflict. So if CM starts howling, I created a checklist to work through. Diaper, check, bottle, check, etc.

What happens when she starts crying, you change the diaper (which wasn't real bad), offer a bottle, even walk her around, doing my "Passing Wind" dance and she still continues to cry? What's worse is that I can get her at least a little calm and knowing that she's hungry offer her the bottle again to which she screams, no, screeches, at the top of her lungs. I find that sometimes just sitting her down for a minute or two in her crib will calm her down or she'll fall asleep.

I just checked. She's out like a light. I know that she will be even more hungry when she wakes but at least she calmed down quickly. Is this right to do? Some of you might say, "You've got to comfort her so she can learn to trust in you in the future". That's well and good but what if just picking her up makes her cry harder? Others may say, "It's OK to let them cry it out". She's only four months old. I've been told you can't do that until they are several months older or else they won't understand. All I can say is that she fell asleep by the time I was half done with this post, so maybe she just wanted to lay down after all. I don't know.

Sorry, no cute "baby sleeping" photo. I can hear her start to whimper again...

October

For years I really enjoyed Halloween. It was kinda the start of the holiday season for me. Followed by Thanksgiving and Christmas, each a month after the prior holiday. The whole idea of haunted houses, costumes, movies and treats got me excited.

I think this was the main reason that in high school I decided to go into special effects. I wanted to do it all: Props, makeup, gore, in camera, theater, TV, movie, horror, sci-fi. (The only thing I didn't get much into was the computer graphics. I just didn't have much capability to play around with the concept.) I even enrolled in a college that taught each of these aspects. After graduation, I didn't really pursue it because of lack of money (I know excuses, etc.) I moved to south Florida and started going to church. When I got saved, it just seemed to me that horror and sci-fi didn't quite fit with Christianity. I lost my motivation to do what I had trained to do. People told me I could always do special effects for regular TV or movies or even go into Christian movies. It still didn't seem right.

I've struggled with this for years. (Especially since I got in contact with a friend from college who still does some SFX.) I'm always tempted to put up decorations and watch scary movies. Some of the do-it-yourself websites I frequent go nuts with stuff you can make or do during October. I always think about putting a haunted house together or make an mini attraction in the garage or on the porch. The thought that I could really make a cool attraction runs through my head all month. After all what other holiday could a diy person really go nuts.

I think by mutual agreement, the Mrs. and I have decided that to decorate and have fun with Halloween is not such a bad idea as long as we don't go all out and try for really scary. We can't go nuts with decorations because of money (should go to bills and CM) but we'll put out our few decorations and maybe in a year or two we'll do a little more. I've managed to catch a few "scary" movies on the Disney channels and will be watching some on Nick. I figure as long as I don't go any farther than the equivalent of "Goosebumps" then I can have a little fun.

That being said, here's some links you might like:
Children R Skary
MAKE your Halloween
And what would Halloween be without best hostess to ever hit the screen (or in person)
Elvira

Random thoughts

It's funny that a can of tuna and some cans of dog or cat food have the same shape. Our dog made this mistake as the Mrs. was packing her lunch.

A bit of advice for new fathers out there. If your home with your child, it might be better to leave the bib on. There are times (unpredictable, of course) that your child may spew "cottage cheese" all over themselves and this could take place hours after you last fed them. It's much easier to replace a dirty bib on a baby than it is to change the entire outfit. Be aware though, you do not want to let that bibbed baby to possibly strangle her/himself, so I only recommend this if you are with your child 100% of the time.

Being a white guy, I think it's great if a black lady (or for that matter, any Southern woman) feels comfortable enough to call you "Sugar" or "Honey". I let a toll operator walk in front of my truck when coming home from work last night. She thanked me and I replied I wasn't in a rush so I didn't mind. She gave a big smile and "Have a nice evening, Sugar." I wish more people took all of the 10 extra seconds to be nice to some stranger like that. I hope it made her feel good because it worked for me.

Absence

I have been getting somewhat tied up with taking care of my daughter. I originally wanted to post all the things that happened with her and as a family but each day I start to zone out and focus on her or misc. things around the house. Anything that requires a little bit of thought and focus is out of the question. I have to be able to drop it at a moments notice.

That being said, I have been surfing the internet, we've had guests down to visit, CM keeps growing/developing/eating etc. Things constantly change and I don't post any of it. So I am sorry to any that might be reading this.

This is my formal commitment to post at least a note everyday. Even if it's just a list or photo.

Be prepared.

Monster Making!

Well, stage one of our monster making was a success. We have managed to create a tiny monster with genetic material from both my wife and myself. Temporarily she shall be known as Cookie Monster, or CM for short. The Diabolical Mistress is more than happy with our results. To some extent it has consumed my life. It has not developed it's teeth yet so I have been feeding it a high protein/fat liquid food which contains all the nutrients it needs.

In love...

It's almost 4:00am. I know it may be the time but she is probably the most beautiful girl in the world.

It gets easier, doesn't it?

Yesterday was the first successful 'Day Out With Dad'. I would have to say that Cookie really was patient with me. We went first to Michael's, then Jo Ann's, Whole Foods, and finally Home Depot. That last one pushed it.

She slept pretty much the entire time (as long as I was moving, i.e. carrying her, driving, rocking her, etc.) Amazed the Mrs. with changing her diaper (Cookie's, not Mrs.) story. Seems a tailgate is the perfect place to change a messy diaper. The breeze blows away the stench, the bright light illuminates all crevices to be cleaned, and in my case, having a padded surface and small trash in the bed made things comfortable for Cookie and convenient for me. Ahh, to have a truck.

I did not get a chance to get everything I went to Home Depot for. She decided that I had all the fun I was going to have. So we came home and made the rest of the day about her. (The way it's supposed to be, right?)

Stay Home Dad

This week is the first week as a stay at home dad (SAHD). Kudos to all parents that have done this before (especially the Mrs. for her dedication of the prior five weeks). This is one tough job.

To set things straight, I'll be home during the week and work on the weekend while the Mrs. stays home. This way we can keep from putting CM. in a daycare. We just can't afford it. Strange, as a household, we make enough to be considered in the middle class (if not upper middle) yet living in South Florida and the cost of living rising drains it out of you so fast.

So far, I've managed to keep CM alive on Monday by myself, with help all day Tuesday and Wednesday. She hasn't rolled off of a bed and bounced on the floor. She hasn't had any weird circumstances happen to her (yet). I would say I'm doing ok.

Today may be an exception. My plans include taken her to the mall (maybe) for clothing more my taste and then to the local home improvement store for supplies. It'll be fun, if all goes well. Photos will come soon...

Joy of Joys!

Thursday the 19th, my first child, a daughter, was born. It was a little unexpected. Here's the scoop, from my point of view.

Mrs. wakes me up before 7:00am. She's gone to the restroom several times and continues to feel as if she has to go. Around 7:00 she gets to having dizzy spells and a slight pain. Doctor's office opens around 7:30am on this particular day, so we decide to eat a light breakfast before we leave.

At the Doc's, we sign in at 10 'til 9:00 (breakfast + getting ready (ie. dressing) + feed and walk various animals). We wait another hour (almost) before they assign us a examination room. Midwife/nurse comes in, we tell her the scoop. She pokes and prods my wife. Then...

"You're dilated 3cm. You've gone into labor."

Hey! Wait a minute. We're not due for 4+ weeks. Shouldn't the water have broken? What happened to the gushing fluid? The painful contractions, etc.?

So they send us to the hospital. Pretty routine, it sounds like. They call ahead to warn the hospital staff. We leave and...

Stop at the bookstore! On the way to the hospital! Mrs. was worried that it would take a while, so she wanted to pick up a book to read if she got bored. During all this she feels slight pain, again.

I'm freaking out. Is the baby, OK? Why is it happening so soon? Got to get to the hospital so my wife and child can be taken care of. "Did you get your book? We're not making any more stops!"

We get to the hospital without any accidents or cops pulling us over, nothing like in the movies (I was disappointed). We start the paperwork (wife still doing fine), they put her into a wheelchair and usher her to a room. She gets out of her clothes, into a prepared gown, onto the bed, and strapped to the instruments. I sit down and proceed to tap my foot/wring my hands. So far, so good.

Nurse informs us that the tightening of the belly is actually a contraction with my wife talking through it. I'm starting to feel pretty good about this. Wife's doing great. Then she starts turning into a pretzel at 60-90 sec. intervals. Nurse, "Breathe, don't push." So I step in to help. "Breathe, relax the muscles" + backrubs seems to help. Slowly gets worse. Doctor finally shows up. I repeat my new mantra and the doctor says, "No, it's OK. She can push now." She's told push for 10 sec. and repeat. My new mantra becomes "Deep breath and push, 1, 2, 3,..."

In between spells, she has to sign paperwork (because fathers are idiots who can't sign anything or make decisions while they're wives are in pain), gets told not to flex in certain ways and how to hold her legs so the baby will shoot out. The doctor and nurses, while prodding around down there, talk about vacations and the weather. (As silly as it seemed to me at the time, "My wife is in pain, can't ya'll focus on her, instead?", the Mrs. said it actually helped with taking her mind off of the pain.)

The bad aspects of the whole birth are few:
1. It happened so fast, the Mrs. couldn't get any pain killers to help.
2. I thought they would make me wear the gown/booties/face mask/hat before things got going. Nope. I saw everyone else bundle up. I jumped when fluids came out because I was still in shorts and sandals and it creeped me out to think of that stuff splashing all over my legs. (Yeah, I could wash it off, but come on!)
3. We thought, when we left for the hospital, that it was just a check-up at the doc's. So...we left clothing, my phone (hers died shortly after we left), and camera at home. I couldn't take any photos until I could get home later. Fortunately, a nurse found a camera and took several photos of me with my daughter when they first took her to the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit).
4. She came early. As I mentioned before 4 weeks, 6 days early. Because she was early, she has to stay at the hospital for observation.

Mrs. is doing fine now. I am so proud of her. She really didn't scream or anything. The doctor commented after I left that she was very stoic during the entire process.

I'm not freaking out any more (other than trying to clean up home for babies arrival). After I left with the baby, Mrs. was told that I was a great coach. We didn't even take any classes on how to do it! (I have to thank Nurse Christina for the role she played because I wouldn't have known what to do without her guidance.)

God willing, I think everything will be alright. (More on baby and post birth in following posts.)

The answer is...

In some small way, I do get a big ego when people come to me to ask questions as if I'm an expert in the subject. When I think about it, however, I tend to feel embarrassed because for the most part the things I'm typically asked are simple things.

When working with fish, my coworkers (and sometimes the managers) would ask for my advice. Typically it would concern ratio of gravel per gallon in an aquarium, number of fish in said tank, types of fish that are cohabitable, etc. Basically simple questions that with time they would have found out anyways (or should have already known). Even the pastor of my church calls me, occasionally, to ask a question or two. I frequently get this now that I've gone back to training. Customers/clients are frequently needing advice on how to handle a variety of situations, i.e. potty training, barking, socialization, etc.

I don't mind. I like to be helpful. What worries me is that I may become a know-it-all and ramble on when a short answer would be just fine. How much is enough? Do I get a boring monotone after a while?

My wife is looking forward to the first match between our daughter and me. "Why" will be followed with a long and boring answer. "Why" again followed by another long answer. The Mrs. fully believes our children will learn to ask me questions only if they really want the answer for fear of being bored by the lecture that will follow.

On one hand, I could say, "Be careful what you ask the person who knows everything, for you may get more than you expected." On the other hand, I ask for the wisdom to understand I don't know everything and the wisdom to make my answers more effective with less blabbing.

Which will it be this weekend at work?

My rant about gas.

I've started my old position at a new store. I'm a dog trainer again. I don't mind that. It's the drive. Not the distance. I can handle that. It's the gas. Every mile I put on the truck, my mind is thinking, "There goes another gallon." I'm not even going to get started on the cost of gas. (Not much, at least.)

I'm looking forward to the potential of moving to the new store. It's just a hop, skip and a jump to work which is different from everywhere I've been working since Pittsburgh. I liked being able to walk less than ten minutes to work. Not even enough time to build up a sweat. While the new store won't be quite so close, it is within biking distance. (My biking distance is any distance I can bike to in thirty minutes or less. I can bike much farther, I just get more sweaty doing it.)

Will gas prices going up end up costing me more than I can earn before the new store opens? If so, I may have to take a little hiatus and get a temp job much closer. The only other options would be less costly vehicle to drive like an electric vehicle (EV)(too costly to purchase or make in the short term), a scooter/motorcycle (too dangerous, according to wife, on local roads), or pumping it on a bicycle (which would take forever on local roads over twenty miles it takes to get to work), or public transport (heaven help me try to figure out the local bus schedule/routes).

I know what some people would say. "I have to drive farther than that every day." Up hill, both ways, in the snow. Yes, I know how bad it could be.

I keep remembering the first few years that I was living with my wife before we got married. We didn't have a car for the majority of the time that we lived in Pittsburgh. After we moved to Florida, we still got around on foot or bike (putting quite a few miles on both).

The question is, how much is too much? Does the price of gas have to go to $8/gal. (recent prediction) before the average person has to start finding alternatives? What is your limit? I told my wife that a $50 fill-up* may be my limit, but as local prices start to approach that number, is it really?

*$50 for my truck just short of once a week plus $50 for wife's car per week. That's $100 out of our paycheck per week just to drive to work and typical errands (not even a heavy driving such as trips to Miami or Boca/Delray).

Choices in life

Last year, I was considering where my life might be going. Because we were planning on the near possibility of starting a family, I decided to go ahead and take the store's offer to be manager. I asked and they said sure. Once I was done teaching my training classes, they sent me to management training. The Mrs. went to Asia at the same time. We both got back within a few days of each other. Bada bing, we had a baby on the way. (We missed each other. Seven years and I still miss her every time she leaves!)

I expected to be put in charge of stocking (a lower position but one I thought I could learn in). Instead, they put me over the animal section (fish, birds, small mammals, reptiles). Not quite six months later and I've already been demoted back to training. It was that or get fired. The only reason I didn't get fired was because my two supervisors really put their neck in the noose to try and keep me. (Thank you A.D. and Mr. E.)

At this point, I'm thinking that the whole management thing wasn't were I needed to go. The Mrs. pointed out that during that time, I didn't do as much around the condo (aka. chores). I worked long hours (40+ hours = more money!). Not to mention, I also pretty much quit school. What would happen if I kept up with this when the baby was born?

Now I've got a little more flexibility, as far as time is concerned. Now there is the possibility that I'll stay home with the baby as a pseudo stay at home dad while the wife is at work. When she gets home, I'll leave to go to work for a few days a week (= part time) and possibly start school again. I like this better. My daughter won't have to stay with someone outside of the family for the first few years, at least until she gets old enough for daycare (and we get the money). That and I'll have more time with her.

Do I regret the management issue? No. I learned a great deal. How to be a better manager for one. I'll miss the money, I suppose. The future will be a little tight but we've lived with a lot less money before (try 1/4 of what we currently make). This will also give me a chance to get more projects done and that's what I'm really happy about. Maybe I'll finally get my workshop cleaned up...

It's a girl. There, you can see...

I was stunned when I heard that our child is a girl. I'm happy to have one. Like most fathers, though, I guess I hoped for a boy. In hindsight, I suppose this was only because I don't know a single thing about raising a girl. After all, being a boy, I can at least go on my own experience with a son.

My first thoughts went to protection. (I've since read that this is normal for fathers of daughters.) I remember what it was like as a boy in elementary school, a teenage boy, and a college kid. Do you know what goes through their heads? Do I want my daughter to have to deal with boys?

Second, all I know about girls I learned from the girls I've been around. What do I know about raising a girl? What about hair, make-up (Ok. This one I know only because of school), times of the month, boy crushes, etc.? How does a guy deal with these things?

I had always had an interest in how-to books, Boy/Cub Scout books, and the like. You know, the ones that teach you how to do all sorts of fun things. I had bought "The Dangerous Book for Boys" for our child (yeah right) when we thought it might be a boy. I loved it. When it ended up being a girl, I immediately decided to get the sequel, "The Daring Book for Girls".

Well, let's just say, pirate names were considered for our daughter.

My plans so far have been to raise an adventure seeking, intelligent, athletic, woman. Someone like Lara Croft, Charly Baltimore, Molly Millions (William Gibson's books). A girl who likes to climb, run, swim, build, pretend, and play. One who can hold her own against a bully. A daughter that will become famous for some great discovery or achievement.

On the other hand, I would like a child who isn't so much like my wife and I. One that won't make us worry that she'll get hurt. Can she just lead a quiet life, study hard, do well in school, get a great job and marry a very fortunate man that her mother and I like?

Either way, I know that there will be days throughout her life where I will turn to the person next to me and, with pride in my voice, say "That's my daughter". I will be happy with her no matter what.

Welcome

I figure a way to chronicle my life with my family might be nice, especially for family members who will want regular updates. You see, the Mrs. and me are expecting a daughter in about two+ months. Most of our family live in other parts of the country and we aren't the best about keeping in contact with them. Maybe this blog will help.